


The Supersizers Go Cannibal

by Chi-chi-chimaera (gestalt1)



Series: Hannibal Fic Collection [5]
Category: Hannibal (TV), The Supersizers RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cannibalism, Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 12:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gestalt1/pseuds/Chi-chi-chimaera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for a prompt on the kinkmeme: <a href="http://hannibalkink.dreamwidth.org/1375.html?thread=873311#cmt873311"> What if The Supersizers did a cannibalism-themed episode that crossed over with Hannibal? Who would be the guest chef? How would the human body parts be arranged for presentation at the beginning of the episode? Or would there be a lot of to-do over finding non-human meat substitutes for consumption? </a><br/>Would they innocently go visit Dr Lecter at the start and end of the week for their check-up and advice on what kind of physical/psychological toll cannibalism might take on them over the course of a week?<br/>Would Sue hilariously have to grind bones into paste for plumbing putty, or sew pillows stuffed with human hair on a Garrett Jacob Hobbs themed day?<br/>Would Giles get eaten by Hannibal for his rudeness?<br/>Imagine the voice-over menus: "Second course: liver served with fava beans, chianti.".. So many possibilities.<br/>UNFINISHED/DEAD FIC</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Supersizers Go Cannibal

Giles Coren VO (with enthusiasm, and accompanied by bouncy music): My name is Giles Coren. I’m a writer, a restaurant critic and unashamed glutton. I’m being joined by Sue Perkins, performer, broadcaster, and part-time vegetarian on an extraordinary journey exploring the dining habits of the last five-hundred years. Each week we’ll be medically tested, dressed the part, and forced to trough our way through the breakfast and banquets of our culinary past. 

This week we’ll be taking on a topic with a very long history indeed; cannibalism! Many cultures have practised cannibalism, and it has sometimes been a food source to fall back on in times of emergency. Recently it has returned to being an acceptable practise due to the publication of such seminal works as _Human Consumption: Intra-species competition_ by Dr Hannibal Lecter and _The Eco-friendly Cannibal_ by Garret Jacob Hobbs. 

(Cuts illustrating each scene as Giles continues talking. The music is still overly perky.)

We’ll be discovering the trials of surviving on human flesh in a survival situation, exploring the cultural significance of eating certain organs, learning how to use every part of the human body with the Hobbs philosophy, and enjoying a delightful array of recipes that can all be adapted for our cannibalistic needs. 

(Opening credits play. Giles’ VO then continues with a look back at various historical incidences of cannibalism, including the Donner Party, Jamestown, and numerous ship-wrecked sailors.)

Giles: Unfortunately – or perhaps fortunately – we won’t be getting dressed up this week. Sue and I are going to be quite modern; apart from dipping our toes into the past just a couple of times, we’re mostly going to be experiencing cannibalism as it exists today. It’s a little more like what I’m used to in a way. With my background as a food critic I’ve had a chance to taste a whole load of weird and wonderful things, but never human flesh. It’s going to be a new experience, and one I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth into. 

Our resident doctor and expert this week is someone very special indeed; Dr Hannibal Lecter himself! As a practising cannibal, doctor and psychiatrist, he’s of course the best person to ask about the health benefits – or drawbacks – of the practise, not to mention the psychological impact. He’s also going to be helping the wonderful Allegra McEvedy out in the kitchen. He came to visit me for a discussion about the week ahead.

(Scene cuts to a very well dressed and striking man facing Giles across a table.)

Dr Lecter: Incorporating human meat into your diet is just like any other animal protein. In order to remain healthy, it must be balanced with carbohydrates, vegetables and fruit, just as with beef, pork or chicken. It is also important that the specimen him or herself be healthy. We do not eat sick cows, or cancerous pigs. In some parts of the world prion diseases like kuru are a concern, but these do not appear to be a worry in Europe or America.

Giles: But don’t all these conditions make finding someone to eat a bit tricky?

Dr Lecter: It is important to have good connections with hospitals or morgues. Depending on the methods, suicides or road accident fatalities are often the best sources of meat. 

Giles (sounding worried, or perhaps unsettled): In the past haven’t a number of serial killers also practised cannibalism?

Dr Lecter: Remember the cultural history of cannibalism means showing respect for the dead. Re-contextualising the act makes it palatable for the mind. The mental aspect of cannibalism is at least as important as the physical. (Smiling, slightly knowing). Cannibalism is not illegal, but murder certainly is.

Giles: So the big question – how will this have affected my health in a week’s time?

Dr Lecter: Physically? Not at all. Mentally – that is up to you and Ms Perkins.

(Cut to Giles talking to the camera somewhere outside.)

Giles: Well I’ve learned that apparently cannibalism can be quite a healthy diet, which is a nice change from some of the weeks we’ve had on this show. It certainly doesn’t seem to have done Dr Lecter any harm. 

(Cut to outside of the Supersizers house, ‘Day 1’, Sue and Giles walking along the street towards it.)

Giles: Quite looking forward to a new experience, I’m joined by Sue for our upcoming week of the cannibal lifestyle. Doing most of the cooking this week is Chef Allegra McEvedy, with some input from Dr Lecter. She’ll be using every cut of meat it is physically possible to use from a very healthy young motor-bike rider, who was one of a number of people who have taken up the fashion of requesting that they be eaten after death. 

(Camera pans over a table covered with all sorts of stakes, ribs, roasts, large plates with whole human organs, and bowls containing vegetables, pasta, eggs etc, which will be used in the recipes. Allegra is standing by to talk them through it.)

Allegra: Obviously I don’t know that much about cooking with human, but I can say that we’ve got some really nice cuts of meat here. It’s been a real pleasure discussing how to make these dishes with Hannibal, so we’ve got some really nice things in store for you both. However it’s not going to be all fine dining; for the first couple of days the ingredients are going to be very restricted, just as they would have been in historic survival situations. 

Sue: I never knew so many things could come out of a human body. (She pokes the liver). It’s bigger than I imagined. 

Giles: (picking up the heart) For you, Sue my love. (Sue makes a face but accepts it anyway). 

Giles voiceover: First though, breakfast. 

Menu VO: Breakfast: Seared Thigh, Snowmelt

Giles VO: Expeditions like the Donner party were often unlucky enough to run out of food during the winter, turning to cannibalism as a last resort. At least the cold conditions kept things nice and fresh.

Giles: So... first ever taste of human... (Gingerly slices off piece of stake and pops it in his mouth, chews.) Hmm. Not bad. Not bad at all. It does sort of taste like veal actually. 

Sue: (Sue is less keen to eat hers, but eventually plucks up the courage). Really not as bad as I was expecting. Well cooked. I’m just not sure how I feel about it being a person. 

Giles: (getting into character) Well if we’re ever going to make it to California woman, you’ll eat young Master Donner and like it. It’s his own fault for dropping off to sleep too far from the fire. 

(Cut to kitchen, where Allegra is examining what is clearly an arse, and pouring over typed instruction from Hannibal about human butchery.) 

Allegra: (mumbling to herself) Rump stake, very basic salt and pepper rub... God, this is strange. It’s a bum. Completely different when it’s an animal... still. Nice gluteals.


End file.
